


Replay

by Sing_SecretSiren



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Pain, Why Did I Write This?, lots of pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:55:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21864100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sing_SecretSiren/pseuds/Sing_SecretSiren
Summary: Crisis has ended but not everyone made it home.What does Lena do now, when the only person she needs is the only one who doesn't come back?
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 17
Kudos: 313





	Replay

**Author's Note:**

> Falling by Harry Styles got me feeling some kind of Supercorp angst. I haven't caught up on Crisis, so I don't know exactly what the book does or all the ins and outs of the plot. If anything is completely wrong, consider this an AU.

Dust settled around the ship as it landed solidly, finally. Bright sunlight, welcome after the red glow of before, streamed through lazily drifting clouds. It was the perfect day, a day for living and joy as Kara used to insist.

Her smile always felt just a bit warmer, a bit softer, on days like these. The weight of millions of lives didn’t seem to press down on her when she and Lena talked out on the balcony in the sunlight. And she would smile. That smile that Lena could feel seeping into her pores and saturating her with a happiness she’d never felt before. Days like this quickly became her favorite after she met Kara.

Lena stood amongst the few people on this Earth who knew the passengers in the ship. They were the lucky few privileged to personally know the heroes on board who prepared to exit, victorious. Only one person on that ship mattered to Lena. She still hadn’t determined why she had been allowed to join the gaggle, especially after insisting her only interest was in the mission. She needed to see it through to the end, and she had been instrumental for a moment after all.

Alex always saw through her words, knew the truth buried within.

So, she stood just behind the small group and waited for Kara, sunshine lassoed on Earth, to emerge from the ship.

Superman emerged first looking all the hero he was on this Earth. His cape billowed behind him, his shoulders pressed back, and his uniform nearly pristine save for a few darker spots. He smiled when he spotted Lois Lane among the onlookers and went immediately to her. The pair shared a moment as others exited the ship.

 _The day doesn’t brighten him the way it does Kara,_ Lena thought.

A man in a red super suit covered in soot and dirt walked down the steps into the sun followed by a woman with a bat symbol embossed across her chest. Neither smiled. Neither ran to greet anyone.

No one else exited behind them.

Lena felt a dip of fear in her chest but quickly pushed it aside. If these people survived, then surely she did as well. Supergirl outmatched every one of these heroes even on her worst days. Kara would undoubtedly appear late, head high, striding out of the ship to be welcomed home. And sporting that smile. Always that smile.

Alex and J’onn stepped forward to speak with the man Lena assumed was the Flash, but she chose to avoid the tearful reunions. Instead, she approached the woman who remained near the entrance looking uncomfortable amongst the friends and family. Definitely more Lena’s speed.

‘Not used to happy endings?’ Lena asked.

The woman appraised Lena for a moment before responding.

‘Not this kind, no.’

She held her hand out to Lena.

‘Batwoman.’

‘Lena.’ Lena responded while accepting the outstretched hand. ‘Luthor.’

Batwoman startled at the name.

‘You’re a Luthor?’

Lena forced herself not to roll her eyes. Even someone not from their Earth thought they needed to fear her because of her last name. The veneer of patience she’d been carrying to impress Kara’s hero friends dropped.

‘Yes, I am. And, yes, I am aware that Luthors are evil and untrustworthy people.’

Lena paused a moment, distracted by the sudden “No!” that Alex had exclaimed. She’d begun crying in J’onn’s arms. Another spike of fear, stronger than the last, coursed through Lena’s chest.

She absentmindedly repeated the mantra Kara had tried so hard to convince her was truth.

‘I’m not like the rest of my family.’

Lena’s attention remained on Alex as Batwoman continued, seemingly unaware of the breakdown.

‘I just didn’t expect Kara to love a Luthor. Not after how she reacted to Lex anyway. She only ever said Lena when talking about you.’

Lena’s head snapped back when she heard “Kara” and not “Supergirl.” Fear momentarily morphed to anger that this woman knew the secret after only days while Lena was made the fool of for years. Of the several important words in that short interaction, “love” registered second, softening the edges of her anger and reigniting the panic rising still at Kara’s absence.

‘Where is Supergirl? I need to ensure she knows our friendship has not been fixed just because I chose to help you all.’

Her words would have carried more sincerity had her voice not begun to shake while asking her question. Had the anxiety not reached her eyes as she forced herself to accept that Kara should have been the first person off that ship, not her cousin.

Batwoman frowned, opening her mouth to deliver the news, but Alex interrupted.

She spun Lena abruptly and yanked her into the fiercest hug the woman had ever given her. She wasn’t sobbing exactly, not the body wracking grief tears that come when the worst thing imaginable has occurred. When the thing beyond what can be imagined happens and no amount of time will heal that wound. Shock and Alex’s need to protect those she cared about still held that response at bay, but in its place was an Alex that Lena didn’t know how to interact with. This Alex held her like she was the one that needed comfort, like she was the one with a lifetime of tears and pain and sorrow.

Despair replaced fear. Lena didn’t feel a sudden spike or a drop or a subtle settling. It consumed her in an instant, in the space where one breath enters and another exits. It moved over her fast, faster than even Kara. It swallowed Lena and dragged her out of the sunlight and down. Down into the vast empty space that had been Kara’s reality for so many years.

She knew.

As soon as Alex pulled her in, she knew. Her rational brain knew from the moment Superman emerged, but her heart needed the final nail to be driven home. And Alex’s arms were the hammer that erased any doubt left.

‘She’s gone, Lena. She’s gone.’

Silence. The entire group waited for Lena’s reaction. Would the Luthor break or revel in their pain?

Would she react at all?

Superman’s cape snapped in the breeze, the crack reverberating through Lena’s skull. His cape and not hers. His life spared once again while his cousin sacrificed and suffered and –

‘She’s not.’

Lena felt her head shaking, detached from herself as she floated through her empty space.

‘She’s not gone. She’s Supergirl. She’s stronger than all of us. Better than all of us. She survives. Always. She’s Supergirl.’

Alex’s consoling falls on deaf ears. All Lena hears is that cape snapping and snapping.

All she sees is a smile.

‘Kara can’t be gone. She’s Supergirl.’

A smile that pierces the cold wall Lena built, that warms. That burns in all the right ways. That hurts in its beauty. A smile that Lena convinced herself was only hers.

Kara’s smile. On days like this when the sun shines, and it feels like nothing can go wrong.

* * *

Lena tilted the glass tumbler back, bottom to the sky, and drained the last of the liquid. Her eyes focused on the screen in her living room. Kara’s laughter filtered through the room, and her face fills the screen, smiling, bright as ever.

‘Hey, Lena! Did you know you can send videos on this app, too! It’s great! Miss you!’

The video jumps to another: Kara bleary eyed in oversized Metropolis tee shirt. Her voice is rough from sleep and quieter than before, but it carries the same energy.

‘Good morning, Lena. Off to work. Another glorious day in the life of ace reported Kara Danvers. How exactly did you convince me to stay up all night watching movies again? Lunch later? I’ll bring Belly Burger.’

The next is Kara at CatCo in one of her signature button-downs, apparently hiding in a closet. She whispers with a gleeful grin on her face.

‘Lena! Snapper is on the rampage, so I’m hiding out ‘til he calms down. Just wanted to see if you’re interested in family game night tomorrow. I know you said you weren’t sure you could make it when I asked before, but I would love if you came. Pleeaassee? I need –

The door opens in the video and Kara’s eyes bulge slightly at begin caught before she starts giggling hysterically.

‘Gotta go! Bye!’

Lena refilled her glass while a voicemail played through the speakers.

‘Hey. I know I’ve been kind of distant lately after everything, but I could bring dinner to the office later. If you want? I just need a friend right now. Talk to you soon. Bye, Lena.’

Unshed tears reflect the screen’s light as Lena rolls through every recording she has of Kara. Every voicemail, every video, every interaction she can find. She needs to see that Kara existed in the same world as her, that she lived. Lena needs her voice, her eyes that crinkled when she laughed, her joy in the smallest things. Her smile multiplied over and over.

A new video starts, but this time Lena is in the frame. Kara speaks from behind the camera as she moves through Lena’s apartment.

‘Lena, say it. Please? I’ll love you forever.’

The Lena on-screen shakes her head in amusement.

‘I thought you already promised to love me forever when I saved you the last potsticker.’

Lena remembers the sad puppy face Kara gave her at that.

Finally, Lena gives in to Kara’s request gesturing grandly for the camera.

‘Welcome to my Crib.’

The video shakes as Kara whoops and spins towards the kitchen.

‘In here is the ridiculously nice kitchen. Like, I could live in here. It’s beautiful. And the fridge! Look at it! I could sleep in that thing. Forget the rest of the apartment, this is all we need to see.’

Lena’s carefree laugh comes from behind Kara.

‘You’re right, Lena, I forgot the one other thing we need to see.’

The camera rotates to Lena in the living room once more. Kara runs to the couch she’s on and plops down with her head in Lena’s lap, the phone still pointed towards Lena.

‘And this is my amazing, brilliant, beautiful best friend, Lena Luthor. Isn’t she great?’

Lena blocks the lens with her hand to hide the deep red creeping up her neck at the complements. Kara flips the camera, her whole face filling the screen, that magnetic grin breaking across it. Her eyes remain fixed on Lena above her.

‘I love her. Even though she won’t let me live in her kitchen.’

The video cuts of just as Lena says something about a bed being more comfortable. It filters into a new scene of both Kara and Lena together.

Kara has her arm wrapped around Lena’s shoulders pulling her into her chest. Lena’s hands wrap around Kara’s torso, holding her close, and her head is tucked onto Kara’s shoulder.

‘Smile!’

‘Isn’t there supposed to be a click?’

‘I don’t know, I might’ve turned the sounds off. Hey, Alex, come take our picture.’

The camera wobbles as its handed off to Alex, who clearly sees the phone recording but decides to mess with the pair.

‘Alright, get ready again.’

‘I haven’t moved, Kara.’

‘You’ve moved a little bit. Your hand wasn’t on my butt a minute ago.’

Lena smacks Kara lightly on her arm that’s moved to fully enclose Lena.

‘My hand is not on your ass!’

Kara laughs at the theatrics and her own flirting.

‘Oh, maybe I was just thinking it should be.’

Lena’s eyes narrow at the quip, but her smile remains.

Sitting alone, Lena remembers how many of these moments passed with Lena unable to decipher if Kara meant them or only wanted to play.

‘You too flirt more than me and Kelly. Are you sure you aren’t secretly dating?’

Kara’s tone shifts.

‘Alex.’

‘Just saying.’

‘If that were true, I’m sure Kara would’ve already told you. She isn’t the best at keeping secrets.

Lena scoffed at her own naivete and drank from her glass remembering just how well Kara had lied about her identity. She had to look away when Kara moved in to plant a kiss on her cheek on the screen. Her own squeal of surprise and their mingled laughter gave way to more and more videos. One after the other, coming to remind Lena of how good it had felt to be in Kara’s orbit. To be pulled in, another planet basking in the light she emitted.

Lena nears the end of her collection as the last video Kara sent her begins.

In every other recording Kara had been just Kara. Glasses and alias in place. But in this dark and somber setting she’s the Kara that Lena still isn’t used to. Supergirl Kara with her “S” visible on her chest and the blue of her suit complimenting the blue of her eyes. Gone are her smiles and her joy.

‘Lena. This is, uhm, probably the last time I’ll get to talk to you. I don’t know if you’ve listened to any of my other messages, but I really need you to watch this one.’

Her voice shakes as her eyes fill with tears and flit between the camera and her hands clasped together in her lap.

‘I, uhm, I should’ve told you so many things, but I didn’t. And now you hate me. It’s my fault that we broke, and I hate myself for that. I’m so sorry for how I hurt you, Lena. It wasn’t fair to wait so long, but I was so scared. You mean more to me than you realize. My worst fear was always losing you, but that’s exactly what happened because I didn’t have the courage to tell you who I am. Lena, I am so sorry. I never lied to you about our friendship.’

Kara was crying on-screen, and Lena was crying, alone on her couch watching Kara’s last words to her.

‘I don’t know if I can win this time, Lena. I really don’t. There’s this book that I think I might be able to save everyone with. If I do, I don’t know what will happen to me. I promised Alex I wouldn’t sacrifice myself again, but –’

Her breath shakes on her exhale.

‘But if something anything happens to you, and I can fix it, I will. I waited too long to tell you that I’m Supergirl, and I still haven’t told you that I love you. That I’m in love with you. I can’t say it in person, but I can still show you just how much you really do mean to me, Lena. No matter what happens, I’m fighting for you.’

She pauses and composes herself before finishing the message.

‘I’m sorry. For everything. I love you, Lena Luthor.’

The screen cuts to black.

Lena finishes her glass and looks out of the windows that lead to her balcony.

National City is quiet still. Everyone seems to be mourning their fallen hero.

Lena was asked to give a speech at the Supergirl statue, to create a memorial of it. The invitation went unanswered. As had every phone call she’d received. It seemed only she had been unaware of Kara’s true feelings for her as everyone wanted to know how she was dealing with the death. Reporters wanted to know how her mother and brother reacted to her relationship with the Super. Her friends wanted to know if she would ever recover from losing her girlfriend. They truly thought they had been dating in secret all this time. Everyone wanted a quote from the last Luthor, who loved a Super.

Alex dropped off food regularly, and they drank themselves into oblivion. No one else was allowed to see Lena wallowing in her pain. But the two of them had lost the most when Kara decided to sacrifice herself. They felt the pain most acutely and drowned together in it.

Not even Alex had seen Kara’s last message to Lena. That was a burden she carried alone, knowing her name was the last Kara thought of, and her face the last image behind closed eyes. Her burden, her words left unsaid and feelings reciprocated but never acted upon.

In these moments, staring into a dark and sleeping city, Lena allowed her mind to wander over the what ifs. The thousands of could have beens and the one should have been. The one thing, above all else, that Lena should have done. She’s imagined their kiss in so many ways, seen it in ever video. It’s the one constant regret refusing to fade. The ghost of that smile pressed against her lips, sunshine glowing around and through them.

Lena set her glass down, eyes still focused on the horizon, waiting for a hero who will never return.

‘Hope. Replay.’ 


End file.
